Patatoa

My millennial brain has a repetitive cycle that goes something like this.

• Hey here’s this thing about Harry Potter that might be fun to talk about

You don't want to be cancelled do you?

• Okay, how about this Animorph thought I had?

I told you, literally no-one remembers these past the flip-book in the corner.

• Pokémon?

As long as you're not at work.

I could not suffer Pokémon Legends Arceus to the end

I want to give this Professor Doofus a swirlie.

Pokémon Legends Arceus is the game we've been waiting for since we first saw Pokémon Snap and Stadium. Much of it lived up to our imaginations too. Wide 3D lands, teeming with Pokémon, strategically approaching mons and trainers. The game starts, I'm pumped and ready to go, and the game immediately sucks all the wind out by by putting a miserable and interminable story sequence between me and living out this 25 year old dream. Much of the game, but especially the early game is interrupted by this goofy story that takes itself so seriously. Name salad, the diamond clan...bububu the forest guardian has a bunyun... let me catch this fucking Cateripe, god damn. The characters are frightened of the Pokémon, so I'm not taking these jokers seriously, and they do not stop talking. I'm in my thirties now, I don't have the patience for this crap. And if I'm not the target audience, then there's no way they would appreciate this either. The only way I could get through is mashing the A buton until they let me do anything.

Adding to this feeling of constriction, when I was free to move about the open world, I was constantly short on items. Never having enough Pokéballs meant that I couldn't catch many Pokémon, and never having enough potions meant I couldn't even battle the Pokémon I couldn't catch. So much of the time I'm trying to gather the ingredients to make those items, but your inventory is also crazy limited, so you find yourself incessantly returning to your camp to either make items or drop off items. Just let me buy some Pokéballs at some point please, thank you.

Even going back to get screenshots for this was nothing but dialogue. I felt like I was dangled the Pokémon game of my dreams, but there was a layer of busy work keeping me from really getting lost in it. Some minor nitpicks beyond that: the maps were pretty flat. The original Pokémon Snap felt like it had a map with more secrets and surprises and you were literally on-rails for that. The guardians were pretty samey and the difficulty jump felt pretty stark when you encounter the first one. The Pokédex was a slog, even more so than the mainline Pokédex.

Gamefreak plays it extremely safe with Pokémon; to a fault you might say. So I’m glad they’re taking some risks finally with Arceus. If they next do Legends Kyurem, I’m down. Cut the story — no story, for goodness’ sake. For a game with so many impediments this was by far the biggest. Cut the story, cut some of the busy work. Let me catch’em all.

Pokémon Sword and Shield show there’s nothing wrong with the core Pokémon gameplay

I was late to the party for Sword and Shield. I listened to the anti-hype about the graphics, and the national dex; even though, these have been complaints since Gen 3. I guess everyone else just got born. I eventually picked them up and was enthralled. While it was far from open as Gen 1, it was much less linear than it has been. (The Gen 5 and 6 maps were legitimately insulting.) The "Wild area" was an okay change of pace. To contrast Arceus, the story and intrusion thereof are much more tuned to the audience. It follows a more story-bit, go level up and catch, fight the next boss, story-bit, repeat structure that gives you (or at least me and my millenial-brained ilk) that much needed, uninterrupted zone-out time.

If there’s one "genre" of game that has exploded post-pandemic, its the cozy game. Animal Crossing, A Short Hike, Unpacking, Stray (everyone else must have played a different game from me on that one though). We want to feel comfy, we got enough stress in our life thank you very much. Pokémon should be marketed this way. What is more comfy than tending to your six little bonsai trees, finding the right pokes for the route your in, what move works best for the pokes you find there, maybe you move the poke you currently are training to the top and do the switcheroo so they get more experience, or maybe you let experience share do its thing. Maybe you’re looking for a specific poke to catch so you can really zone out and mow through mons looking for Abra or whoever. (As I’ve gotten older, I have really grown an affinity for hunting for the Feebas, Dratini, and Bagons of each game.) It’s not like the games are stressful either — there’s a wide cottage community of people that impose rules on themselves to make these games more of a challenge. Pokémon Scarlet/Violet — Cozy game of the year 2022 — y’all are leaving money on the table if you don’t steer into this.

I put Shield down with two gyms to go to play Arceus. Once I realized Arceus wasn’t going to get any better, I got as far as beating all the guardians and opening up the dimensional rift or whatever, I flipped back to Shield and it was like when you slip back into your sneakers after a wedding. Yes, the gameplay has been mostly the same for 25 years (catch, fight, level up, repeat) but maybe they got it right! The core of the game doesn’t need to change much. Make the land more open, add some cool new strategies, bring back the Pokéathalon (the only good mini game, get that camp cooking thing out of here.) Look at the contrast: they could have stopped at NBA 2k5. Upgrade the models and the roster every year. But no, they mindlessly re-tool the game when they don’t have to — no one wants them to. I think 2k fans are okay paying for upgraded rosters as long as you don’t futz with the gameplay why is the shooting different every single year? It could be worse, Poké fans.

The Pokémon Let’s Go! Games are the best Pokémon games on the Switch

Pokémon Let’s Go Pikachu and Eevee are an even better experiment/extension/reimagining of the mainline Pokémon games. First off, its a retelling of Gen 1 — the second Gen 1 remake. Millennial Brains such as I cannot get enough of Gen 1. I can play Kanto in my sleep and this is a positive. That catching Pokémon, rather than fighting, is the primary way to train your team is pretty inspired. You are supposed to catch them all right? I like it. Now, the catching routine means I can’t quite grown-up-zone-out while I play, but that’s fine. I at least know who these OG pokes are. And yeah, motion controls only when the Switch is docked is a mistake, but nothing that couldn’t be remedied in a sequel (or a patch.) This is the first game that explicitly has a one-handed mode, which is a god-send. Truly the optimal way to play a Pokémon game. The two player mode is wonderful too because I meant I could play second player on my son’s game and help him through. I know kill-joys and try-yards out there will complain that this is a watering down of Pokémon, too easy. Whatever. This is how you introduce new fans to Pokémon. I wouldn’t mind if the next mainline Pokémon game took more cues from the Let’s Go games.