Patatoa

I love ranking things. Obviously. Some of the times I feel most alive has been internally debating things like whether or not Taylor Swift's Red makes my yearly Top 50 or not. (It definitely should have.) But I only ever jokingly thought about ranking my favorite songs. The idea seemed gargantuan and persnickety -- even for me. There are songs I assumed to be my favorite song: "Wonderwall" is obvious. If you don't like Wonderwall then you just weren't there. "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer; to paraphrase Ratatouille, not anyone can be a great songwriter, but a great song can come from anyone. You know these songs, and you should love them or familiarize yourself with them. Last summer, though, as I shuffled through a living nightmare I turned to one specific song to find solace.

"It's not the Spotlight" is not the most well-known song, despite having several cover versions out there. Written and originally recorded by the legendary Pop & Rock songwriter Gerry Goffin, the song is clearly about his recent split from his romantic and creative partner Carole King. The most famous version was recorded by Rod Stewart. Both of these versions are glitzy and gloss over what seems to be the message of the song The version I turned puts the pain expressed in the lyrics to the forefront. Beth Orton's version debuted tucked away as a B-side on her very first single.

Last summer, we tried to do a proper family vacation to the beach. But when we got there, my eldest boy, 7 at the time, was not having it. The day one he was incredibly resistant to having a good time. He insisted on going back to the hotel room. Day two though took a turn. We visited an even nicer beach, and he just laid belly down in the sand. I don't think he got up the entire time until we left. Something was wrong. At that point the vacation ended because we went to the hospital. We got a diagnosis, a treatment, and we went home. But nothing got better. My boy stayed on the couch for two days and he increasingly could not move. We looked for positive signs, like him laughing at TV or asking for Jello, but he was not himself. The next morning, enough was enough, we needed a second opinion. Back at home now, to his pediatrician, back to the hospital, in to the O.R., burst appendix.

At around 6 P.M., I had to leave for home. My youngest boy stayed home with my in-laws, and I needed to relieve them and take care of him. The drive home felt like purgatory. I was a towel wrung out. There was the uneasy relief, but also the worry of what could come, the guilt of what did. I couldn't bear to drive in silence. I needed something that was not disrespectful to my feelings, but also not the inane wash of a podcast. In the past I've referred to Beth Orton's voice as a blanket, and a blanket was what I needed. The song my subconscious zeroed in on was that obscure, B-side, cover, "It's not the Spotlight". I asked Google to play it for me. It did.

The song cut through me like no song had. I hadn't come to loss in the explicit way the narrator of the song had. But I came perilously close and the song helped me acknowledge that.

Sometimes I try to tell myself the light was never real. Just a fantasy that used to be, the way I used to feel.

But the song recognizes the goodness -- and not explicitly past tense.

It's not the spotlight. It's not the camera light...but I've seen it shining in your eyes, and you know what I mean.

Maybe the song is more directly bereft, but that's where Beth Orton's magical voice comes in. She brings a warmth to the song. Her delivery of the above line hits more like a "I know. But it will be okay." And that's what I needed. I played the song twice more in that car ride. Then, I could drive in silence.

Unfortunately now, this song will forever take me back to that moment, back to that car ride, in that day, in that nightmarish month of my life. But, I can't say the song is ruined. It's without a doubt my favorite song. That's what my heart turned to in my most vulnerable moment. It spoke back to me. It showed me what I felt inside. And yeah "Wonderwall" and "Kiss Me" are about whatever I was about in 8th Grade. Fond memories. "It's not the Spotlight" is much more. It's what I'm about today.